


gazing at the blue sky, blooming once again

by laehys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Huang Ren Jun & Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Are Best Friends, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Lee Jeno Are Siblings, M/M, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Pet Names, Platonic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laehys/pseuds/laehys
Summary: In a universe where you get your soulmate’s name on your wrist, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun don’t have each other’s names, but they still fall in love.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 109





	gazing at the blue sky, blooming once again

**Author's Note:**

> i was digging through my old wips and found this one. the writing is kinda wonky bc it was one of the first things i fully wrote in english sooo……it's not edited or anything like that im just releasing this into the wild and hope someone might enjoy??? idk
> 
> trigger warning for anxiety and heavy self-doubt

> gazing at the blue sky,  
>  blooming once again  
>  i want to be someone’s everything
> 
> (seventeen - _fallin’ flower_ )

1.

Since Jaemin was young he wanted to be just like his parents one day -- in love. 

And it would all start just with a sideways glance -- the feeling of maybe something _more_ settling deep inside his bones, the singing of his blood right after, and then the exchange of names would follow later.

It was going to be like that because that’s how all the movies were; that’s how the lyrics from the songs he listened to were; that’s how his parents had met and they’re _so_ happy together, just like they were made for each other -- exactly why they had each other’s names on their wrists.

He was going to meet someone and fall in love. Or, maybe, he’d catch a glimpse of his name on a stranger’s wrist and then he’d fall in love with them.

Jaemin gets his hopes of an easy love crushed when his wrist gets decorated with an unknown alphabet. He can’t even search for the owner of the name online -- he doesn’t know the language, doesn’t know how to write it, can’t recognize it. It’s entirely foreign to him.

And he still falls in love with other people.

Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s painful. But he can’t help himself for falling for other people even if there’s already a name on his wrist. It doesn’t feel yet like a betrayal, but it’s something close to it. He doesn’t like it--the uneasy feeling, the falling, a little bit of everything.

And yet he keeps falling a little bit in love with random people he meets. The boy who smiled at him across the bakery. The girl sitting next to him on the train. The young man tasked with showing him his dorm at college.

And then--it’s some kind of freshman orientation and there’s a boy with pretty eyes that looks kind of lonely as he sits by the corner. And Jaemin sees clearly that he doesn’t have a _Na Jaemin_ on his wrist but he can’t help himself and walks close, introduces himself, feeling his heart racing a little against his ribcage; he wants to know that boy and, maybe, befriend him.

The boy introduces himself as Jeno and his smile is so cute that Jaemin can’t help but smile right back.

(He still makes sure to ask him what languages he knows, what he speaks. _Look here,_ Jaemin says and points at his wrist, _do you understand this? Can you recognize it?_ He asks gently, trying not to create too many hopes, but when the boy shakes his head ‘no’, it still hurts a little.)

There’s a loud duo behind them who keeps laughing and making jokes in the middle of the orientation. Jaemin tries to look at them and he wonders if they already knew each other from before or had just met like him and Jeno.

They look too intimate to be unknown to one another, Jaemin thinks after a while; there’s something in their easy laughter and light touches that speak of years of companionship. He catches one of the boys’ gaze and there’s just an inquisitive glint in his eyes, the lifting of a lips’ corner, a just barely raised eyebrow, before Jaemin is quickly turning to face the front again, a little flustered.

He’s always been weak for pretty boys--even more when they know what power they hold.

The difference between their loud talk and their now hushed whispers is striking. Jaemin can’t follow their conversation from where he is besides catching some random words, but he does get the whispered “ _You’re the worst soulmate ever”_.

Oh. He should’ve known better. They _did_ look too familiar with each other.

Jeno quickly glances at him, but the man in front of the room starts to speak again and grabs back his attention.

Jaemin feels some tapping on his shoulder, and when he looks it isn’t the boy from before -- the one that had looked at him and made him flustered --, but the one that was sitting by his side. His friend. _Soulmate_ , he corrects himself.

“Hey,” he says in a smooth voice. He’s got a mischievous look on his face and his friend on his side looks a little nervous, fidgeting on his seat while alternating between staring at Jaemin and then at the front of the room. “My friend here was wondering if you’re single? And if yes, if you’ll go on a date with him-- _oof._ I mean, your name. What’s your name?” He gets a punch on the arm by his friend when he says _date_ and Jaemin can just hope he isn’t flushing too much right now, even though he feels his face all warm.

 _Didn’t one of them call the other his soulmate?_ He wonders, confused. And when he voices his thoughts, they only look at each other in confusion and shrug as they both answer with a “ _Yeah_ ”.

The boy -- the one who flustered him, the one who made his friend ask him if he was single -- leans forward a little. “So… are you in?”

He isn’t. He doesn’t meddle with people that already have their soulmates.

Jaemin leaves the orientation with Jeno, his new friend. He’s gentle, and sweet, and cute. They don’t share any classes nor live close to one another, but they try to meet as often as they can. 

Though he doesn’t share any classes with Jeno, he _does_ share with the boy who wanted to ask him on a date-- _Renjun_ , he later learns. Jaemin tries to avoid him at the beginning, but Renjun grows quickly on him with his random commentaries in class and intriguing talks. And, when Jeno says that they also share some classes, it’s only natural that Renjun ends up getting included in their outings.

Maybe Jaemin never had any chance. Maybe it would always come back to this; just one look and he was already gone, no chance of turning back. He falls hard--impossibly hard and fast. It’s scary and exhilarating and nerve-wracking and everything that falling in love entails.

It terrifies him because Jeno has a Korean name on his wrist. It terrifies him because Renjun knows and is best friends with his soulmate. It terrifies him because he doesn’t want to be a second choice until they realize they could have a better thing, he doesn’t want to be the only one to fall deep and unable to climb back up if he ends up needing to.

It terrifies him because they still choose _them_ every day despite what fate had chosen for them.

2.

There are good and bad days.

Though the good days are the majority, the bad days tend to impact him the most. In these days -- the ones that leave him with the dark thoughts and a frenzied mind as a company -- Jaemin can’t stop overthinking everything around him, about them; he wonders what if Jeno suddenly meets that person that was chosen for him? What if Renjun one day wakes up and looks at Donghyuck and sees him under a different light? What if _he_ ends up finding the person whose name is marked on his wrist? Is he supposed to just drop everything and run into their arms? Leaving everything behind him?

In this kind of day, it looks like there’s a lot of reasons for him to be afraid. But when it passes, Jaemin can see how he made them look like a bigger problem than what they really are.

It’s hard and they’re all a little afraid of messing everything up. None of them have any kind of experience in a relationship with more than two people and there are a lot of stumbles along the way.

But they manage. After some time, they have learned how to.

When Jaemin can see clearly through the fog of anxiety on his brain, he wonders how he can even doubt the love he receives. How can he worry about being left behind when Jeno looks at him like that? When Renjun drops everything he’s doing just to tend to something one of them has said? There’s no reason for him to doubt them--their relationship. After everything that has happened, after everything he’s _seen_ , there’s no rational motive for him to worry.

But he still does.

Sometimes Jaemin worries that it’s something ingrained in him--the bitter feeling that rises on the back of his throat when he catches a glance at his wrist. Is it pity? Is it betrayal? He doesn’t know; maybe he’s afraid to even understand what it truly means.

(There were times when he’d go out and just realize what’s happening when Donghyuck opens the door of his dorm. He’d open his arms immediately and Jaemin would hug him tight, in search of something to ground him.

Donghyuck had done that enough to know how it’d usually go--they’d waddle in the direction of the couch and stay there until Jaemin was good enough to go back.

“You should talk about your worries with them,” Donghyuck would say. “If it’s bothering you so much, you need to talk about what you feel. Communication--isn’t that what you keep saying it’s important in a relationship?”

“Don’t listen to what’s going on inside your head, Jaem. Look around you before you listen to your fears.”

“Your mark isn’t there to control your life, Jaeminnie. You were _you_ before that mark came up, so don’t let it guide all your actions.”

And then when Donghyuck would catch him looking at the written _Huang Renjun_ on his wrist, “I’m not going to fuck Renjun. Dear god, just saying this feels _so wrong._ ”)

He wonders if playing with fate like this will bring them to their demise soon. Maybe. Maybe not.

Donghyuck hates when he says things like this, says that he needs to update his mind to their current century and stop holding on to old ideas; says that too many people nowadays don’t give a fuck about marks and just do whatever they want. Maybe he’s right. Jaemin never met anyone like this in his family, but he hopes--he _wants_ to believe that Donghyuck’s right. He wants to believe that he and Jeno and Renjun can work out and everything will be okay. He wants it so bad that it hurts.

He’s afraid of the future, what it’ll bring for them, and some days aren’t pretty. He’s afraid of being part of something different from the norm. But, most of all, he’s afraid of losing what they have now.

(He looks at his wrist and thinks thinks thinks about something different there. Things would be so much easier.)

3.

There’s something about being called “baby” that immensely flusters Jeno and Renjun.

So, clearly, Jaemin uses all the pet names he can remember from the top of his head just to see them blushing and squirming on their seat.

He loves it -- loves riling them up until they’re begging him to stop with the cute voice, loves to shower them in specific nicknames for every occasion, loves to surprise them with something new.

They’re a little shy, but with time they slowly start to reciprocate. It’s mostly always accompanied by some red cheeks and avoidance of eye contact. But Jaemin doesn’t mind that. It’s endearing the way Jeno lowers his tone, whispering a “darling” before checking his reaction and smiling proudly.

He likes being pampered, likes when Jeno brush his hair away from his forehead just to drop a kiss there, maybe whispering something against his lips before he kisses him, likes how Renjun just _know_ what buttons to push, how to make him crumble with just one move, just one well placed word.

With time, Jaemin realizes it gets easier to fall even more. He didn’t think it could be possible when he was already so deep, but all it takes is just one look and he’s gone, drowning on his feelings, on them. 

It’s easy, so incredibly easy, that it doesn’t feel like it should be possible, and it’s overwhelming, his senses are all over and maybe his heart hasn’t known peace since he first entered that orientation months ago.

But it’s all worth it.

It’s early morning and Jeno says “ _darling, we should get up now_ ” with his raspy voice and Jaemin is all soft and putty in his hands, heart squeezing painfully inside his chest and it feels wrong to just say an “ _okay_ ” when all he wants is to somehow make Jeno know how much he feels, how just one sentence from him makes his heart race and his body shudder, warmth and love flooding his entire system. It’s early morning and Renjun says one name and then drops a kiss; _“love,_ ” he says and kisses his lids; “ _darling_ ,” he copies Jeno’s deep voice and kisses his cheeks; _“sweetheart,_ ” he says and kisses the corner of his lips; “ _soulmate_ ,” he says and doesn’t kiss him.

Jaemin looks up with teary eyes and a sob stuck on his throat. Renjun leans sideways and cups Jeno’s cheek. “You’re my soulmate,” he says in a determined voice that doesn’t give space for protests, as strong and unshakeable as he always is. He looks again at Jaemin and wipes away a tear running down his cheek. “And you’re my soulmate.”

Jaemin wakes up in love and goes to sleep at night even more enamored. It shouldn’t be possible to have so much love stored inside him. It blooms against his ribcage, carving initials on his heart. It shouldn’t be possible but it happens and when wariness starts to show its face, Renjun and Jeno are quick to subdue his fears.

“You deserve so much love, Jaeminnie,” one of them says, “and one day you’ll be able to accept it with no hesitation.”

4.

Jeno cups Renjun’s cheek when he leans down to kiss him, his thumb caressing his cheek, and he smiles against Renjun’s lips before nibbling on his bottom lip. Jaemin smiles, feeling his lips tingle almost as if he could feel the ghost of Jeno’s touch against his own mouth, looking intently at the two boys kissing at his side.

His fingers itch with the need of touching them, but he feels so boneless that he knows he wouldn’t be able to stand, so he just watches from the bed, heart beating fast against his ribcage and cheeks flushing even more when he catches a glimpse at Renjun’s tongue.

Renjun is dangerous, especially when he knows what he wants, so it doesn’t surprise Jaemin when, in the next second, Jeno trembles in his hold and whines against his mouth, lifting his other hand to cup both of Renjun’s cheeks, trying to kiss him deeper.

Renjun breaks off with a giggle and places his hands over Jeno’s, holding them in place. “Babe,” he says gently. “I need to go.”

Jaemin watches as comprehension falls onto Jeno’s expression, a minuscule pout forming on his bitten-red lips. “Junnie,” he starts to say, voice raspy and gone, but Renjun shakes his head and his gaze falls quickly to Jaemin before he snaps his attention back to Jeno.

“I need to go,” he tells him again, voice filled with a little more of strength.

Though Jeno nods his head, he still looks dejected.

Renjun smiles and nuzzles into his palm, leaning on his touch, and drops a kiss on the inside of his wrist, lips touching the skin for a few seconds before he pecks him quickly on the lips once again.

“Okay,” he says and creates space between them, walking around the bed. Jaemin waits with a batted breath for Renjun to circle the bed and get closer to him, sitting up in his excitement. 

Though it’s the longer way and it’d be a lot easier to just crawl over the bed, Renjun knows that if he ended up on the bed again he wouldn’t leave the room for a while.

When he softly kisses Jaemin goodbye, he runs his hands from the top of his shoulders, to his arms, and to his hands, threading their fingers together and Jaemin positively _melts_ , trying his best not to let any noises out. He understands Jeno -- it’s hard to let Renjun go after you had a taste of him, wanting to keep him close for as long as one possibly can.

But Renjun breaks the kiss and Jaemin is just ready to try to convince him to stay when Renjun lifts their linked hands and kisses his knuckles gently. His heart stutters inside his chest and Renjun kisses his other hand, avoiding his wrist because Renjun knows that he doesn’t like people touching his mark.

“I’ll try to come back again later,” Renjun says, stepping back. He grabs his backpack from the floor, slinging it over one shoulder. “But my class will run until late.”

“It’s okay,” Jeno answers, crawling back to bed and burrowing himself inside the blankets, his still nude body molding itself against Jaemin’s back. “It’s not like we’re going anywhere, anyway.”

Jaemin hums, sagging back against the warm body of Jeno, clutching the fingers encircling his waist. He hisses when Jeno’s hand bumps against one of the bruises on his hip bone, but there’s also a warmth flooding his body when he remembers how his body is teeming with them.

Jaemin likes them--the bruises. It’s their own kind of mark. He likes the reminder of their presence on his body, the feeling of them having left something visible for him to carry, even if it's hidden under the clothes. It’s still there. He can feel it, see it. It’s from them and it’s there on his body. It’s there.

5.

They meet Jeno’s brother two nights before the day they’ll celebrate their first year together.

It’s a simple dinner, in a small restaurant, and there’s nothing that can go wrong besides the entire world being against them. Nothing big, Jaemin thinks. An easy day.

The day does go smoothly until it’s time to leave and Renjun doesn’t know where he put his phone, and Jeno’s favorite pair of shoes are missing, and they forget to lock the door so they need to walk back up just to find it already locked. They still make it twenty minutes earlier, but Doyoung is already there, fidgeting with the ends of his blazer, and Jeno is visibly shaking when they hug, but his brother doesn’t seem to be faring any better.

But it’s okay. It goes as well as it can.

Jeno had told them before that his brother was like most of the people--gets a name, finds the person, and marries them. The glittering ring on his finger just proves it. But Doyoung is still there, meeting them and trying to make small talk, and though Jaemin doesn’t feel the weight of his gaze because of his long sleeves, he can see him staring at the words written on Renjun’s wrist.

He doesn’t ask--not at first, at least.

They’re eating dessert when he finally says something about it, prompting Jeno to choke on a mouthful of cake. Renjun looks concerned, but he’s sitting across from Jeno and his brother, and before he can even get up, Doyoung’s already slapping him hard on the back.

And Doyoung repeats his question, his eyes sharp. Jaemin shakes his head, stutters something about a different language, but Renjun stares him in the eye and says “Yes. He’s my friend.”

It’s obvious that Doyoung didn’t know that and wasn’t expecting anything like this, because he looks surprised, all wide-eyed, before he can control his expression.

“You… know your soulmate? But you aren’t together?” Doyoung asks, voice laced with disbelief.

Jeno opens his mouth to say something, but Renjun is quicker. “We’ve never been together,” he replies. “He’s a very important friend for me, though. All of us are friends.”

Doyoung looks at Jeno in search of acknowledgment and Jeno just nods. “Hyuck is very kind and nice. We’ve been friends for a while.”

Jaemin doesn’t say anything, but he also nods to show his agreement with Jeno’s comment and fills his mouth with more food. He won't need to talk if he's too busy chewing.

“Why aren’t you with him?” Doyoung asks Renjun. His tone is careful, as if he isn't too sure how to proceed but still wants to go with it. “I don’t want to sound mean or anything like that, I’m genuinely confused. You know your soulmate and you guys have a connection. So why are you playing around with my brother?”

Jaemin inhales sharply, feeling Renjun tense up next to him, and he worriedly chews the inside of his cheek, looking down at the table. He knows how nervous Jeno had been, and how much he looks up to his brother. He can’t imagine how devastated Jeno would be if the day ended on a bad note.

Renjun fixes a look on Doyoung, eyes narrowing, “I’m not playing with him nor I’m playing around with Jaemin. I understand this all might be a shock for you, but you have no right to say something like that.”

Doyoung fumbles a little, the tip of ears going red, and he looks down for a second. “I… I…”

“Junnie--” Jeno starts to say, his tone low, but Renjun interrupts him, his voice a little higher than usual.

“I love them. Isn’t that enough? Donghyuck is my soulmate but we aren’t together,” his tone is sharp and his smile has too many teeth to not be dangerous. Jaemin knows how much Renjun had said these same words before--it's all very ingrained in him. “Jaemin and Jeno are my boyfriends and the ones I want to be romantically involved with.”

Doyoung keeps his staring on Renjun’s face, watching his every movement. Across the table, Jaemin can see that Jeno keeps looking worried from Renjun to Doyoung but doesn’t intervene right away. Jaemin searches for Renjun’s hand under the table and feels how clammy and shaky it is, and he doesn’t hesitate to hold it tight. Renjun squeezes their hands together and Jaemin _knows_ that he got it, that Renjun won’t leave that night with a defeat under his name. He won't let Jeno be sad.

“I won’t say that I understand it fully, because I _don’t_ , but I know how happy Jeno is and… I’ll try to… Figure it out a little better,” Doyoung says hesitantly. He briefly breaks the eye-contact with Renjun to glance at Jeno by his side, but they’re all too tense and nervous to even try to muster a small smile.

“I get it that the mark is important for you, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the same thing for everyone. We’re not here to ask for your undivided support or anything like that--you’re Jeno’s family and he wanted to share this part of his life with you. We can only hope and wish for your understanding.”

Jaemin’s hand hurts with the tight grip Renjun has on his hand, but he doesn’t let it go.

Doyoung tilts his head a little to the side and Jaemin watches Jeno worry his bottom lip, eyes flittering between them all before he inhales sharply.

“Maybe destiny was wrong,” Jeno says suddenly. Doyoung startles and turns to face him, arching one eyebrow, waiting. Jaemin can hear the almost silent gasp that comes from Renjun. “There’s a name on my wrist, but maybe it wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe their names were supposed to be on my body. It certainly feels like that sometimes.”

6.

It’s summer and Jaemin is in a long sleeve. If not, he at least has a jacket on. 

It’s not a good day. And it’s entirely too hot, so Renjun makes sure that he’s hydrated because Renjun knows that he won’t take the jacket off no matter what, clinging to the long sleeves as if his life is on the line.

He isn’t as brave as Jeno who doesn’t fall prey to the heat and is in his sleeveless shirt, a mini-fan on his hand and directed to his face, his head propped up by his other arm as they lay down underneath the shade the tree provides, lazily opening up a smile when they exchange glances.

The park they’re in isn’t too packed, but it’s hard to find somewhere private when it’s summer and the city is buzzing with tourists and people wanting to enjoy the outdoors. Still, Renjun had tried his best to secure them a place as far away as possible.

They could’ve grabbed a better spot--somewhere with more wind, a little bit closer to the ice cream stand, a tree with more foliage to protect them from the sun--but everywhere else is too close and Jaemin can’t handle the anxiety of thinking that everyone’s eyes were on them. He _knows_ people don’t give them a second glance, but sometimes it seems like his mind doesn’t understand those kinds of things and gets fixated on small details.

They don’t complain. They never do. Renjun finds a place and sits down while waiting for Jeno and Jaemin to arrive. Jeno shrugs off his jacket as soon as he lets go of Jaemin’s hand to sit down. Renjun pats the picnic blanket and Jaemin follows, body always drawn towards them, whenever they are.

Jeno is unafraid, unashamed.

He talks, and laughs, and complains, and looks, and kisses them gently whenever he wants to. His mark is clear on his skin, a name that anyone who gets too close can read. The people around might not know who the owner of that name is, but it’s obvious something is going on when he kisses two boys under the tree shade instead of one. Jaemin makes sure to stay with his back to the park, only looking at Jeno and Renjun. Jacket still on. He doesn’t want to see the looks they might receive.

Sometimes he glares back and wonders what a striking sight they might make--three boys defying what the universe said. But sometimes he doesn’t have the strength to be brave and prefers not to know, living in the ignorance that people don’t care about other lives besides their own. 

It’s one of these days.

Renjun pulls from his bag a bowl with sliced peaches and gives it to him. Jaemin feeds them to Jeno, and then to Renjun, before he eats and licks the sweetness from his fingers, watching how Jeno’s gaze follows his movements.

The summer heat is too harsh on them all and they leave earlier than what they had planned, their water bottles empty and cheeks flushed, sweat dripping down their necks. 

They’re walking back to the bus station and he’s in the middle, Jeno’s arm around his shoulder and Renjun is holding his hand, their fingers intertwined. Jeno’s jacket is bundled inside someone’s bag and Renjun rolled up his sleeves a long time ago, but it was all in an unconscious movement, something natural to do and not fret over.

Jaemin wants to be like that one day too. He wants to be just as brave.

7.

Jeno was the one more okay at first, though it was Renjun who first brought to the table the idea of the three of them together.

“I don’t want to break anyone’s heart,” he had said between a bite from his burger and a handful of stolen fries from Jeno’s plate. “And I don’t want to have to choose or make anyone choose. Can’t it be just us?”

“Like what? Us three?” Jeno said, slurping loudly.

“Yeah,” Renjun said, flicking Jeno’s hand away from his plate. Jaemin had dropped his burger back to the plate from when Renjun first said anything. "It would work okay, right?"

“Sure,” Jeno answered, shrugging. “But it would be, like, all three, right? No one left to the side or some shit like that, right?”

“Yeah, just us. Together.” Renjun took another bite and then looked at Jaemin, all soft edges and inviting eyes. “What do you think, Jaem?”

The fear took hold of him and there were too many things going on inside him, but Jaemin couldn’t think of anything else but what Renjun had said: _“Us. Together.”_ and his mouth was already moving before he could even realize what was happening.

“Yes,” he answered, body shivering all over.

“Great,” Renjun said. He leaned forward and took Jeno’s soda away from him, ignoring his grunt of protest. He didn’t break his eye-contact with Jaemin, lips curling up in a small smile, “I have a feeling this will be good.”

Jaemin corners Jeno three days later, his lips still tingling from having bumped into Renjun after class and his mind heavy. He barely drags him to a secluded place before blurting out, “Are you sure of your decision? Like, about us?”

Jeno fixes a look at him, eyes narrowing. “Are you regretting it?”

Jaemin swallows dryly. “Renjun knows his soulmate and they decided on… not being together. But your mark… You have a higher chance than me of meeting your soulmate. What if you meet them and you’re with us? Isn’t it better to wait?”

It takes a while before Jeno says something, but he smiles softly and squeezes Jaemin’s shoulder. “Jaemin... I like you and I like Renjun. I’m not stopping my life just to wait for someone to show up… if they ever end up appearing at all. I like you both and I _want_ to be in a relationship together. Don’t worry about this thing,” he taps the name on his wrist, “And _if_ they end up showing up… then we deal with the situation when it happens.”

“Have you tried searching for them? If you can try online--”

“Yes,” Jeno cuts him off, his voice always kind. “I did a long time ago but… Well, Jihoon is a very common name, isn’t it? I just kind of gave up after a while. It’s not like they also contacted me and my name _is_ less common than theirs…”

“Yeah…”

“Are you regretting your decision, Jaemin?” Jeno repeats his question again. He doesn’t look mad or upset and Jaemin feels a pang in his chest.

“...It’s not like that,” he says. “It’s just that… What if, you know? What if Renjun ends up liking his soulmate? What if yours show up tomorrow? What are you going to do? What are _we_ going to do?”

Jeno takes a deep breath. “I think we need to talk about this kind of thing together with Renjun. I know this probably won’t resolve your fears, but you’re not a second choice or something to waste time while waiting for another. I didn’t accept to enter this relationship just because I was bored or had nothing else to do--I do have feelings for you both,” he reaches out and interlaces their fingers together. “Are you still in?” He asks softly, but there’s a hint of a furrow on his brow, the corner of his lips twitching.

And there is it again--the burning on the back of his throat, his stomach churning uncomfortably. He doesn’t like making Jeno feel like this and, above all, he doesn’t like having these doubts, these kinds of fears. He wishes he could ignore everything and fall into the relationship freely, with nothing holding him back.

He’s afraid, but his heart sings when they’re close and he _wants_ them to work. He likes them, likes them a lot… and maybe that’s what also scares him a little.

Jaemin nods his head. It’s a timid gesture, nothing big, but he still does it. It’s enough for Jeno to smile and say again how they need to talk thoroughly together with Renjun, and Jaemin just nods again.

He’ll try hard for them.

8.

The class is too boring and Jaemin gave up a long time ago trying to understand it. His notes had never been very organized, but now they’re a big mess, full of random scribbles, things to do later, and, because he still feels a little bad about having given up, some random words that the professor says.

It’s a small class and he’s sitting at the end of the room, his back to the wall, so there’s no one around him to pay attention when he rolls up one sleeve of his hoodie and uncaps his pen.

_Huang Renjun. Lee Jeno._

It’s easy, so easy to write it down and pretend like it’s real.

It obviously isn’t with the messy lines and trembling forms of their names, but it’s there on his skin. Temporarily, but it’s there and it makes his heart feel lighter.

He almost feels like a young boy again -- daydreaming during class, staring at the words, thinking about a variety of scenarios and imagining a perfect life. But things are a lot different now because Jaemin can add faces to his daydreams and there’s something real, substantial, that he’s part of and that he wants to nurture and live for a long time.

Though it brings him a little sense of shame for doing that, he doesn’t smudge the fresh ink away and, instead, watches it dry. It’s on his empty wrist and he thinks that maybe, the next time he does that, the words won’t be so shaky.

He can almost hear Jeno’s words echoing inside his head, his speech about marks and not minding them, but Jaemin isn’t Jeno. He doesn’t think like him. It’s always been important for him and he can’t just look past that as much as he wants to. There’s some history attached to that unknow name he carries with him on his left wrist and nothing in the world can change that, but Jaemin also understands now that he doesn’t need to be restrained to something he doesn’t want to. It’s hard to learn to look at something and let it go, and it hurts him to do so, but he needs to in order to keep moving forward.

Maybe the marks aren’t that important to Jeno, just more of a nuisance. Maybe Renjun sees them as a signal of the universe about something that you can create the meaning for.

Jaemin isn’t sure anymore about what he thinks. Once he’d say it’s about your soulmate--the one you’re destined to spend your life together. But he has seen more, lived more, met new people, and he now knows that not everyone meets their soulmate or even has a good relationship with them. But he likes to think that it’s still a part of you. He likes the idea of having something physical to see and that will never vanish. Maybe it’ll bring too many painful memories, maybe it’s a reminder of good things, but it was part of your story.

He carefully rubs one finger and the ink doesn’t smudge. Later, after he showers, the skin will be bare again and maybe he’ll write their names once more, maybe he won’t. But for now, it’s there, clear and open for the world to see.

He adds a little heart just for good measure and rolls back down the sleeve.

(And maybe Jeno will see the names later, asking for permission to touch his wrist with his big shiny eyes and Jaemin will nod and let him read the names, moving his arm to look in different directions under the light. And maybe Jeno will drop a little kiss over the names and Jaemin will feel himself tear up a little, his chest blooming with love, and he lets him touch it, lets Jeno kiss it just like Renjun does with him. And maybe Renjun, the next day, will corner him before he leaves for class, one marker in hand and a shy smile on his face, and Jaemin just rolls up the sleeve again and watches as Renjun makes a typo of his own name.)

9.

It’s not a bad day and Jaemin is spending time with Donghyuck. Over time, he learned how to enjoy his presence, to care for the boy because of _himself_ \-- his thoughts and personality and mannerisms -- and not only because of which name he carried written on him.

Jaemin finds that it’s easy to open himself to him and is glad to have found a friend in Donghyuck. He likes how he never beats around the bush and just says what needs to be said, unashamed.

So, one day, between a round of videogames where he lost once again, Jaemin asks him, “Do you sometimes wonder how things would have been if you had gotten into a relationship with Renjun?”

Donghyuck stops, puts down his controller, and stares at the _‘PAUSED’_ words blinking on the TV screen. “Yeah,” he says easily. “I always thought I’d fall in love and stay with my soulmate. I think that’s what everyone dreams when they’re young right? You just stare at the words and dream of the future and hopes for the best.”

Jaemin hums. He certainly had always thought like that until his world was shifted around because of two boys.

“And when I met Renjunnie back in high school,” Donghyuck continues, still looking at the TV, “I thought it’d be like that. I thought I had been one of the lucky ones that get to find their soulmate when they're young and that it’d be just like a movie--a highschool romance and then together in college with a marriage on the way before 25,” he sighs. “Obviously, life isn’t what we expect.”

“Do you regret it?” Jaemin blurts out. “Like, not getting together with him?”

With that, Donghyuck turns to face him, a frown on his face. “What? No! That’s what I _thought_ it would happen because it’s what everyone says it should be like, but when I met Renjunnie it was… Normal, I guess? He was just another boy. The only thing different was the mark on his wrist with my name. And it was easy to become friends, maybe it was the soulmate thing, maybe it wasn’t, but we just knew, you know? We just knew we’d never been anything more than that, so there’s nothing to regret about something that never existed.”

Jaemin bites his lip. “It mustn’t have been easy to find out that… To find your soulmate and then...”

Donghyuck snorts. “Not really, it’s not like I _lost_ him or something like that. I love him with my whole heart and I hope we can grow old and be part of each other’s lives forever,” he says. “We just aren’t in a romantic relationship together and will never be. Jesus, I hate every time someone makes me think of that-- _ugh._ Kissing and having sex with _Renjun_? I mean, yeah, he’s not ugly, but, you know… Okay, you’re the worst person for me to use this example since you clearly…” Donghyuck moves his hands gesturing towards Jaemin who flushes a little. “But you get the gist of it. It’s always been platonic between us… and I hope you have no problem with it, because I’m not leaving Renjun’s side just because of someone’s jealousy or some shit like that.”

Donghyuck sends him a sharp look, but Jaemin doesn’t feel affected by it. He understands what Donghyuck is trying to say. He does.

“I’d never say or do anything like this, Hyuck,” he says. “I know how important you are to Injunnie and how much he cares for you. You’re his soulmate, but you’re also his best friend.”

The tension on his shoulders lessen the more Jaemin talks, and Donghyuck smiles a little, moving over to hug him.

“Thank you for being so considerate, Jaeminnie. And I know that… things haven’t been easy for you, but also thank you for not giving up on Renjunnie and Jeno. He really likes you both, you know? I don’t think I have ever seen him this happy before.”

Jaemin flushes a little more, squirming on his seat. He can talk about anything, but whenever someone comments on the boys’ affection for him, he gets all soft and mellow.

“I love them too,” he says, eyes flittering around the room before focusing once more on Donghyuck in front of him. It makes him light-headed just thinking about them. “And… And I’m also happy we stuck together. I’m really happy,” he confesses. “Sometimes I’m still afraid and I get worried, but I’m really, really happy.”

“And that’s all we can hope for,” Donghyuck finishes, smiling wide. He pats Jaemin’s thigh and clears his throat. “Well, that was a lot of emotional talk for one day, I think, or do you--”

“Renjun called me his soulmate. Me and Jeno. Did you know about it? Do you have a problem with that?” Jaemin blurts out, fingers twitching on his lap.

“Whoa, whoa,” Donghyuck exclaims, moving his hands. “Calm down, Jaeminnie. I’m not going to get mad,” he says with an easy laugh. “And yeah, Renjun talked with me about this. He was kinda stressed because he said I’m _technically_ his soulmate but he also wanted to call you both that and didn’t want to make me feel bad. But I was like, yeah, I’m yours but if you think they’re also yours then why not call them that if you want it so much?”

Jaemin worries his bottom lip before he finally says, “Does it bother you that he calls us his soulmate but also calls you like that?”

Donghyuck pauses for a while, eyes wandering around the room until he stares at Jaemin, searching for something. Jaemin waits with a heavy chest. “I’m gonna be opening myself bare here but--yes. It bothers me a little. I was the only one he called that and now there are two more people that share the title… so it’ll take a while to get used to. To understand that now it has other meanings.”

“Have you… have you talked with him?”

He shakes his head, shoulders dropping. “No, and I won’t because it’s _my_ problem. I’m bothered because of something simple. If he says you both are, then you and Jeno _are_ his soulmates too and deserves the title, after all.”

“But you also are…” Jaemin adds softly. “You shouldn’t feel like this. It was you first--”

“Jaemin, listen,” Donghyuck rearranges himself on the couch and holds both of Jaemin’s hands on his. “I used to think I’d fall in love with my soulmate, but I didn’t. And I was sad that I wouldn’t be someone’s soulmate like in the movies, but Renjun still called me _that_ and I understood that not everything needed to be romantic to also be important. And now he’s in love with you both--so in love that he wants to call you both his _romantic_ soulmates. I’m his platonic soulmate because the universe decided to choose my name and we don’t love each other as you do with him. But he _chose_ you both to be his partners, so who am I to disagree with what he wants to call you both?”

Donghyuck lifts his hand to brush away some of Jaemin’s tears, smiling softly at him. “Don’t feel pity towards me. That doesn’t mean I won’t fall in love or get together with someone. It just means that it won’t be with someone that has my name on their body. It’s not the end of the world, Jaemin-ah. Be happy that you have found such amazing people that care for you.”

“Not everyone thinks like this,” Jaemin whispers. “And it won’t be easy for you. You know that. You, more than anyone else, knows that. You have seen us, what people say to us.”

“I know, I know,” Donghyuck says back just as softly, brushing away more tears. “But it just means that I might have to keep looking around for a little while. Don't worry about me, Jaeminnie.”

10.

They’ve been gone for the entire afternoon, having bid him goodbye with mischievous smiles and shining eyes. Jaemin knows they’re plotting something, but he can’t think of _what_ it might be.

It’s not his birthday. It’s not theirs. There isn’t anything special on that day. He’s already checked their shared calendar and their group chat for any texts he might have missed, but there’s _nothing_. Absolutely nothing.

And it seems like everyone knows what it is but him because Donghyuck had texted him “ _???????_ ” and “ _send pics plz_ ” just a few minutes ago, but when Jaemin asked about _what_ , he only replied with an “ _aaaaah...u will see soon~~~_ ”. It’s maddening. Even more, because Jaemin feels like he can’t find a single thing to distract his mind away from the fact that something is happening, probably involving him, and he _doesn't know what it is._

He mopes around the house for a while, briefly contemplating going outside, but shuts down the idea quickly. He wants to be home when they arrive.

It’s a few hours later when Jaemin hears the sound of keys jiggling and a door being closed softly. He closes the laptop and pushes it to the side, getting up from the bed and walking quickly to meet them, feeling like a dog going to greet its owners.

His plan was to pout and complain as soon as he saw them, but Jeno is so giggly as he kicked off his shoes, not releasing Renjun’s hand even though the other was pulling his arm, that Jaemin can’t hold the smile that quickly forms on his face just at seeing that scene in front of him.

“Hey,” Jaemin says, crossing his arms against his chest, though he was still grinning. “I’ve been dead curious this entire time. You guys are _so_ mean to me.”

Jeno chuckles and releases Renjun’s hand, taking off his coat. Renjun makes a show of huffing in annoyance, but he’s the one to first greet Jaemin with a kiss on the lips, tapping the tip of his nose with his finger.

“Patience, Jaemin-ah,” Renjun teases him, clicking his tongue. “You've already survived a few hours, so you can wait a little more, right?”

There’s a reply on the tip of his tongue, a whiny complain ready to escape him, but something white catches his vision and he turns his attention away from Renjun.

“Jen,” he says carefully, his brow slightly furrowed. “Is that a bandage on your arm? Did you get hurt?”

Jeno halters his movements, eyes widening. Renjun, though, sighs deeply. “Jeno,” he says in exasperation. “Not even two whole minutes.”

Jeno smiles sheepishly, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. Jaemin looks confused at him, his frown deepening, but Jeno only shakes his head and finally walks closer to him, pecking him lightly, just a mere brush of lips. “Hi,” he says softly.

“I don’t understand… You aren’t hurt then?”

“No,” Renjun grumbles from the side. “He isn’t.”

Jaemin briefly ponders if they’re really telling the truth when Renjun moves to take his jacket off and Jeno holds his hand, enlacing their fingers, but realization hits Jaemin in the middle of his chest, knocking all his air out, making him feel all light-headed, when he catches a look at the same bandage on Renjun’s wrist.

There is only one thing they could have done in that part of their bodies.

“W-wha-at…?” Jaemin fumbles around the words, feeling his throat choked up. “You… You can’t do that!” He starts to complain, feeling as if his tongue couldn't form the words he wanted to say. “You can’t just tattoo someone’s name!”

“Why do you think it’s a tattoo, babe?” Renjun asks, arching one eyebrow.

Jaemin flushes and stammers a little, but Jeno chuckles and nods his head. “Yeah, but you’re right--it’s a tattoo.”

Jeno crowds closer to him, letting go of his hand to enlace his arms around Jaemin's waist. Jaemin feels a little overwhelmed but can’t turn his eyes away from that bandage, almost as if trying to see under it.

“Are you serious?” He asks weakly. “Or are you two playing with me?”

Jeno makes a sad little noise from the back of his throat and holds him tighter. “It’s real, it’s real,” his voice is gentle and his breath tickles Jaemin’s neck. “But I can’t show you right now, just when we change the bandages later.”

“There’s yours and Jeno’s name here,” Renjun points at his wrist. “And mine and yours on Jeno’s wrist. We know how important the marks are for you, so we decided to do what fate didn’t. Wait--I think I texted Hyuck earlier with a picture, let me check.”

Renjun pulls off his phone from his pocket and starts to search for the picture, but Jaemin feels a little overwhelmed with everything. This is different from what he sometimes did to himself, playing around with pens. This is _permanent_.

“It’s not even a special day,” Jaemin tries to say, but his voice keeps failing him. “And… _baby_ ,” he exclaims frustrated. “Names? Everyone knows that it isn’t smart to tattoo someone’s name. What if you regret this later? I...”

He trails off, conflicted. Part of him likes it, _yearned_ for it, for something perpetual that he could show off to the world and say, _yes, look here, as much mine as I am theirs, we made our own mark._ But another part--the one that likes to come up to mess him up and make him doubt everything--shakes with the information and worries about things they can’t control. _What if_ , it whispers in the pit of his dark sides, tucked against his core, _what if_.

“Sweetheart,” Jeno whispers over and over again, slotting his chin over Jaemin’s shoulder, looking up at him with his big puppy-like eyes. “We’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Don’t worry. It wasn't an impulsive decision or anything like that.”

“Jaeminnie,” Renjun says, walking closer to him. He stops one step away and cups his cheek, his touch warm and gentle like always. Jaemin finds it impossible not to lean on his touch. “I think I know what you mean--it’s like, what if we broke up and we end up stuck with a tattoo? Is that what you mean about being stupid?”

Jaemin nods a little, biting the inside of his cheek.

Renjun looks at him with so much adoration in his eyes that Jaemin can’t help but berate himself for ever doubting him. 

“I can’t talk for Jeno,” Renjun says determined, with his bright eyes looking from him to Jeno. Jaemin licks his dry lips, feeling his throat parched. “But if we broke up in the future, how different would this one be from my other mark? It just means that I’d have another mark on my body. You both would still be one of the loves I had in my life--my soulmates.”

Jeno coughs wetly and Renjun is quick to move to wipe away his tears, but Jaemin still feels some of them fall upon his skin. Jeno doesn’t move away and lets Renjun tend to him, but he buries his body a little closer to Jaemin, arms encircling him a little tighter around the waist.

Jaemin feels himself get a little teary-eyed. “Oh, Junnie,” he croaks out. “Junnie.”

Renjun flushes after his speech and with their reactions, pink coloring his cheeks, but he doesn’t avoid their gazes and meets them all proudly, unashamed.

Jaemin falls in love a little more.

(+1)

Jaemin is holding Jeno against his chest, feeling extremely comfortable under the blanket and with Jeno’s fingers tracing random shapes against his hip. It’s not too late yet, but the day has been long and he feels exhausted.

Next to the bed, Renjun is finishing putting his shirt on and Jaemin watches him, eyes half-lidded as it runs over the lithe figure of his boyfriend. “Have lots of fun, will you, darling?”

Renjun grins. There’s some tiredness tugging at the corner of his eyes, but he doesn’t waver. “I’m gonna embarrass Hyuck _so_ much. I can’t wait for it.”

Jaemin laughs and then apologizes quickly to Jeno who was jostled because of him. He runs a hand through Jeno's hair, scratching at his nape just in the way Jaemin knows he likes. “Does his date know you’re his soulmate?”

Renjun hums, buckling his belt. “Yeah--actually, Hyuck told me that his boyfriend already met his soulmate before, but they never got each other’s contact. So the guy’s just living his life; said he won’t stop just to wait for someone who may never show up again.”

Maybe it might be weird for some people to have a special dinner to introduce your soulmate to your boyfriend, but Donghyuck and Renjun are so close and important to each other that Donghyuck asked for Renjun to meet the guy at the moment they decided to become more serious. Jaemin doesn’t understand it all completely--and he knows that he never will, because Renjun’s bond with Donghyuck is something unique--, but he gets that this is very important for Donghyuck.

“Do you want me to bring you something from the restaurant? It’s the one that has that dessert you liked--the purple cake thingy.”

“Cupcake with too much frosting,” Jeno says, voice muffled from his face being squished against Jaemin’s chest. “A monstrosity.”

“Yes,” Renjun laughs.

“No,” Jaemin says, but he knows Renjun will arrive later with something for them. “Go on or you’ll be late. Don’t make a bad impression on the guy before you get to even be there!”

Renjun lets out a breathless little laugh, but he finishes with his tie and approaches them. Jeno raises his head before Renjun is even close enough, and Renjun is quick to cross the distance between them, supporting his weight with a hand splayed on the bed as he captures Jeno’s lips gently, a giggle sounding between them. Jeno breaks the kiss to lay back down on Jaemin’s chest, yawning loudly and rubbing his eyes a little.

When Renjun gets closer to Jaemin and pecks him, Jaemin lifts his free hand and fixes Renjun’s crooked tie, pulling it a little to the side. Renjun holds his hand in place, eyes on Jeno as he says, “Don’t let Jaem stay awake for too long, he really needs to sleep after the all-nighter he pulled.” 

Jeno nods, but then chuckles when Jaemin poutingly says, “I don’t think Jen’s gonna be much of a help.” He nudges the boy laying down over him, and Jeno only smiles sleepily, not disagreeing with him.

Renjun makes a little noise, but he smiles fondly. His fingers caress over Jaemin’s knuckles, sliding down to the inside of his wrist, fingertips brushing over the two names inked there. He drops a little kiss over them and leaves quickly, phone already ringing with Donghyuck’s name flashing on the screen.

Jeno sighs when he hears the door closing, rubbing his face against Jaemin’s chest. He shudders when Jaemin scratches his nape once again. “He’s going to bring back home that purple thing, isn’t he?”

Jaemin’s lips quirk up a little, feeling his heart warm, and almost like he could still feel the ghost of Renjun's touch upon his skin. “Yeah. Definitely."

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading this <3
> 
> come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/pinkhrj) | [ccat](https://curiouscat.me/rensungie) <3


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